I've started and restarted my blog many times. And deleted. Years ago, I had another blog. Which I deleted in the entirety of its two year run. Because I looked back and realized how nasty and strident and well, unloving it was. Probably sometime I'll get into what was going on with that. Or maybe not.
But right now, I want to talk about grace. I want to be a grace giver. This is a new thing. I haven't always wanted to be a grace giver (oops, I may in fact be going a bit down the path of the content of the blog formerly known as mine). I thought grace was being "soft on sin". No, being "soft on sin" is when you are very fuzzy about what is right and what is wrong. It is when you are confused and really everything is OK because there are no boundaries anywhere. That's "soft on sin". I used to relish punishment. A chance for wrongdoers to be made very very aware of what they had done. WIth sufficient consequences for them to change their ways. Because I believed that is the only way that people would change (despite that pesky little verse about the kindness of God leading us to repentance. Romans 2:4) And you know what? That mindset can take very different flavors (ok, I give up. I know I'm actually going to get very much into why I deleted my former blog. Officially waving the white flag here.)
About the time I wrote that first blog, I was very much the conservative poster child. It was all about catching people doing bad. Punishing the single mothers because how else would they stop bleeding our welfare system dry. Punishing the fat people because they're driving my insurance rate up. Punishing pretty much all the usual suspects that conservatives like to blame for the state of the world.
Except.
That's not what Jesus taught.
Jesus also didn't teach that there isn't right or wrong, but His approach transcends the usual human approaches. Grace. Grace isn't denial. Grace isn't minimizing. Grace isn't looking for the silver lining so that you can actually thank someone who did evil because some good came out of it. No, grace is something so radical that only something outside of ourselves could come up with it.
I've been struggling with my faith for oh, the past ten months. And most of it revolves around the evangelical support of Donald Trump. I live in a very conservative part of the country so I'm totally willing to consider that this support may be greater here than among Christians in, oh, say, Boston or San Francisco. So it just seems like its everywhere when it really isn't. I've certainly heard enough others who truly try to follow Christ express dismay to know that I'm not an aberration. But here's that grace thing again: the disgust that I once harbored for people who were "getting away with something" has popped up in a different place now: the people who just don't get it. Where before I told myself that I was of course angered by the things that angered God, I'm still telling myself that. Only it's different things that anger God. But I'm still angry at people, albeit for different reasons.
Here's the thing. I had something so upsetting, so disturbing happen tonight. No, I'm not going to tell you what it is, so don't even ask. I'm not being secretive: I'm trying to avoid ranting about the behavior of someone else. I will say it was a complete and total lack of grace directed at someone else. And that's all I'm saying about that. It made me think. It made me think do I want to be part of the solution or part of the problem? Everything starts with us. Everything starts with our attitude. Everything starts with whats in our heart. It's pretty clear that's (pardon the pun) the heart of Jesus' message. This is what Jesus meant when He spoke about taking the log out of our own eyes before we remove the speck from our brothers. I'm pretty sure that's been misinterpreted numerous times to say that we never have a right to say anything to anybody about anything and its been used as an excuse for deflection when people try to confront others about very real hurtful things that have been done to them. But when you have not examined your heart, when you have not looked at yourself, not only will you misinterpret the actions of others through that lens, but even when you have very valid observations, the state of your heart will come through loud and clear, remarkably enough, even if you use the exact some words (not sure how exactly that works, but that must be one of the mysteries of God)
I've been involved in twelve step programs through much of my adult life. And once again, the message there is about getting yourself right first. "Fixing" other people is frowned up. Not surprisingly I thought that was wishy washy at first. I get it now. You are no good to others ,have no wisdom to impart to others, until you yourself have tasted of God's grace.
And grace, folks, is what its all about. Its what changes us. Not punishment. Not being boot camped into emotional and spiritual shape. Grace. A God that has seen just how bad we are and not only loves us anyway but gives us second and third and even more chances. And then can't wait to pour his riches out upon us. This is what I know to be truth. Many misunderstand the cross saying that God had to torture his son for our sake and that was barbaric. Except it was God Himself. God suffered Himself for us. Whether you abide with the Christian west and focus on the penal substitution or look towards the Christian east and see more of a conquering of death (both physical and spiritual) its still the same: God made himself suffer for us to live.
Wrap your head around that. When you have really truly received that; not just repeated words you've heard in church or read in a tract, but truly get it and truly receive it, you can't help but pour that out on others. Yeah, its a process, but its also a process seeing just how awful we can truly be. Even when we are very good and do the right things, we just get smacked upside the head again with more depths of being not very nice people on another layer. I know I do. That's what happened tonight; right before the incident that I'm not going into detail about; I was pondering just how annoyed I was with a person that had said somethings that felt judgemental. 1 Peter 3:9 tells us not to return evil for evil. Again, this is a principle that often gets repackaged into denial and dishonesty. Again, if one's heart is right if things need to be said, they will be said in love and yes, grace.
Oh, and if you're wondering about that blog post title up there, its not just a clever thing that popped up out of my imagination. Its a snippet of a larger quote from one of my very favorite authors, Flannery O' Connor: "All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and the change is painful". I think the painful part is getting to that point. After you've really grasped what that grace is; in my opinion; its just one big sense of relief.
